how to write a blog post that’s guaranteed to go viral
Make up a catchy title: “six best ways to remember 3 things”
Make a list.
Lists are cool, they’re also helpful. People like lists, especially people who are word oriented, but even visual people like lists. The best thing about lists is the numbers. People love numbers. Everyone, except maybe the “visual people.”
Thing number 1.
What is thing number one? Where does it come from, a children’s book? Realize you’ve never read the children’s book. You never read the children’s book because you had a lousy childhood. Never mind, you are a visual person. Everything is going to be ok.
What is a “thing” anyway? Can anyone really ever know?
You only have two best ways on your list and it’s already time to check CNN to see if there’s going to be a press conference today. You’re dying to see what Sarah will be wearing. It’s obvious she’s changed her style lately. You miss the smokey eye. We all do.
You’re wondering if the two best ways you have on your list are really “best” ways.
What does “best” mean anyway? Do you need to put best in quotation marks, do you overuse quotations marks in a juvenile way, a way that lessens the quality of your otherwise excellent writing?
You’ve lost your list. You thought you had it in your notebook, but you’ve searched your gym bag, and the only thing you found was the receipt for the bra you were looking for. It’s too late now, way past the time you can return it.
Make a new list.
This list is going much better. You already have 4 good things on your list of 6! That’s the thing about losing things, sometimes it’s all for the best. Maybe someday you should write a post about that? “4 great things about losing things!”
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
You make up 2 not so great ways to remember three things. You feel guilty and wonder if people will realize that the last two ways are weak because you made them up. Maybe if you sandwiched the weak ones in with the good ones?
Now you’re feeling insecure, and you hate feeling insecure. Feeling insecure often leads to anxiety and you’re out of CBD oil.
You find your original list just minutes before the “presser” you like using the term “presser.” OMG, what is she wearing? Those things on her shoulders make her look like she could lift off, like a helicopter, at any moment. You know if she could lift off she would, and she’d take Jim Acosta with her because he’s hot.
You’ve forgotten the third thing! You wonder if this is a sign of “old age” and then remember that you don’t believe in old age, you remember that “age is just a number.” And a platitude is just a platitude. You look up the word platitude because that’s what you do when you’re not sure you’re defining words correctly.
Yes you are.
You change 3 things to 2 things because you forgot what thing number 3 was. Plus, you’re running out of time, you’ve given yourself a new deadline and it’s causing all kinds of stress.
You have your six things and 2 ways, or was that six ways and 2 things? Oh God! This writing thing is a real drag, you really need to get a paying gig, be a part of the “gig economy.”
Bloody hell! where is the most important thing? And now you don’t even have time to consider how and why you’re using numbers: 2,3, etc. and numbers: two, three etc. Is it correct? Do you care? You have to cultivate your own style you know.
Make a note to write about cultivating your own style.
Maybe you should hold off on this post, rewrite it?
Maybe Jake Tapper is hotter?