really random thoughts
loyal like a puppy
You might ask where I’ve been for the past week or so? Well, I haven’t been to Paris, not even in my mind. I have been to a kind of private hell, a hell of my own making. I’ve been loyal like a puppy.
Briefly, let me tell you about it and see if you can relate, and let’s see if we can do anything about not doing it again, shall we?
I took on a job, a project really, one that from the beginning I thought of as temporary. It was supposed to be a way to have some fun, doing something with fashion, and make some money. Ha!
My problem is, that like a puppy, I am sickeningly loyal.
Ok, puppies aren’t sickening,
but I am. If an employer is relatively good to me, if I’m doing something I like (And I like most everything, I love to work.), then I latch on like a good newborn, to my mother’s nipple, and hold fast!
Then, for us “loyalists,” the trouble starts. Almost immediately we get sucked in. Our co workers and bosses quickly realize that we are good, high energy, loyal worker bees and sometimes intentionally, sometimes not so much, we are asked to do more.
We are asked to give more of everything: time, energy, and psychological and physical well-being.
And we do, because that’s who we are. The trouble is, of course, that while we are busy giving of ourselves to someone else’s enterprise, we steal time and energy from ourselves and our goals.
Surely, it’s a kind of self sabotage, and likely also a of fear of failure as well as success. Because God knows, that if you do what you claim to want to do, you will be responsible for either result. And then what?
This syndrome, loyal to others, not to self, also contains a good dose of procrastination.
In general, procrastination is not my everyday problem. My apartment is clean and orderly, my cupboards are stocked, the bills are paid, and dinner made, daily. I don’t go around hanging my head with shame for all of the things I haven’t done. But when it comes to the big, far-reaching stuff, that would truly make me happy, pfft, not good.
I have long envied those women who can close the door on the everyday and give themselves wholly to a project, or dream.
They can piss people off with their single-minded “selfishness” and not give a damn. Pfft, they say.
So like the woman above, the woman with the glorious legs, I think I need to take a stance. Sometimes pushing ourselves is necessary, even if it’s a kind of “fake it, ’till you make it” deal. You, which are you, loyalist or door closer?
used to represent a brief sound such as that made by the passage of a bullet or that of a small, muffled explosion.“Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Bullets ricocheted around the room”
used to convey the suddenness of a malfunction, disappearance, ending, etc..“then pffft, that was the last we heard of them”
used to express a contemptuous or dismissive attitude.“pfft, I don’t know what all the fuss is about”
really random thoughts
Even though we may actually be born compassionate, and there have been studies done that more or less prove that we are, the world quickly works its nasty wonders on us and we inevitably become less compassionate with time.
While watching the George H.W. Bush funeral, I realized that funerals are an opportunity for practising compassion. “Compassion Practice,” is a tradition in Buddhism, and it’s exactly what it sounds like.
Like most everything in life, compassion too has to be practiced.
So, as I watched the members of Bush’s family, and his friends and colleagues eulogize and mourn the man, I summoned the best part of me and sent some compassion to the people who I mostly don’t like, people I once even considered the enemy.
Practice like Buddhists do, by saying: “May all beings feel loved and cared for.”
And you will find that it feels good.
put some socks on
While there are quite a few things I don’t like about getting older, there are a few I really love. One of them is that I can make statements, that if I were younger, might sound silly, or even offensive.
It was very cold the other day, when I was on the subway sitting next to a young man with no socks on. I turned to him and casually said “put some socks on!” and he laughed and he got it.
I recently met Lauren Engelke, a “sustainable stylist,” and she has an interesting and informative blog, and for now, I’m just going to drop this right here.
It’s about gift giving, and abstaining from gift giving.
These earrings, from Fallen Aristocrat, I’m not sure a real fallen aristocrat would wear them, but I would. The subversive aspect of wearing mismatched, asymmetrical, or just one earring continues to delight me. Ever the rebel…
“The trick is to age honestly and gracefully and make it look great, so that everyone looks forward to it.”